I don’t feel home anymore. 
I honestly feel like a stranger. I eat here. I sleep here. And yes, it is for free, I honestly feel like a stranger. My dad called me useless today. and he said “I don’t need shit from you so don’t ask for shit from me”. I want to get out of here. 
I felt so kicked. I didn’t want to move from my bed because I felt like everything I did was useless. I felt like everything I will ever do is never good enough.
I don’t feel like a human being. I feel like some foreigner in some place. I want to leave and I can’t stress that enough.
I want to be happy.
I love my family but I can’t stay here anymore.
I am one big lie.
I was praying that I would die today on my way to barnes and noble. And I will probably pray tonight that I die in my sleep. I don’t want to be here in this shell of feeling.
I want to either be dead or somewhere else.
I am dependent, on my family. I have been. But lately I haven’t asked for anything. I haven’t asked for anything at all. Not new shoes. Not new clothes. Not new anything. My NEW laptop. I bought it. my clothes. I bought it. My shoes. I bought it. and I know that doesn’t amount to the fact that I have a new car and others would kill to have a new car. There are things that you do not understand.
I would give everything to have parents that I would feel comfortable being myself around. That would love be no matter what. That wouldn’t say “I would be disappointed if you were gay”…I would give everything and anything to just have that.
I feel like my love has been bought from me since I was little.
No one ever asks me, What do you think about this? What are you working on? What are you reading? What did you do out yesterday? I feel like no one cares.
And for christmas, not that it matters and I feel like it is such a stupid thing to bring up. My dad gave me 200bucks and my goodness I am grateful I am because I bought some much needed new shoes..But it made me feel like he didn’t know me in a way..My brothers got gifts to open and things to play with because he knew what they wanted and I feel like even though he says he “knows me” I feel like he doesn’t. I feel alone. I am grateful for everything I have and more. But I feel alone. I feel sad every day because I wish I could be someone or somewhere else. I wish I wasn’t “useless”..I wish I was better. But I feel weak. Not because I am unhealthy. Because my mind doesn’t want to move on. It wants to sleep. I want to sleep already. I want to stop. 
I want to give up.
I don’t like seeming like I am spoiled. I don’t like to look like I am ungrateful. I don’t like to look like I am a brat. But I don’t think that I am any of those things.
I want to be loved. And that is all.
I want someone to care.
“what are you working on?”
“that’s really interesting. Why?”
“how do you feel about that?”
“How was it all?”
I want something simple.
I want to leave.
I want to die.
I want to leave.
or die. 

I am becoming lethargic. 
I don’t know if it is because I just ate a bunch of food or if I am just being lazy.
I think it is probably both.
I need to make a banner for the webshop.
I need to sketch because I mean that is the whole point of all this. To develop new ideas and to think of things to sell and hopefully form a body of cohesive work that I can display and sell.
I need to see what a good rate is for shipping and handling. I heard $5bucks would be good. But I don’t know. BUT I also want good reviews on Etsy as well so I don’t just want to send my work in through just an envelope you know? So I need to see what my options are on shipping and handling. 
That’s really it but in the middle of it all I want to produce more work but then I also need to make a banner so I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should make my banner first. 
I wish I could just hire someone to do this for me.
I just need to get this idea of shipping and handling out of my head and then I think everything else will run smoothly.

I have a sketch in mind that I want to do and I just bought canvas panels so I think I am going to do the final in oils. This will need a lot of patience so I think in the meantime while I am working on that painting and letting it dry I will work on my stickers that I want to make. I think making the stickers is very important because it’s free advertisement. And of course I am going to make the stickers cute and stuff and of course it is going to have my brand name on them but they will look nice with the brand name on them and I will make them look good enough that people will have to be like, whaaaat.

I am in a dazzy part of mind today. I think I have been all day. Who knows.

So then I think I decided that I will work on my banner>oilpainting>stickers>Sketches.

The steps I put them in will probably end of switching in the end but i mean at least I am trying.

OMG and on top of all of this I need to make some portfolio worthy final sketches so that I can show some guy. My friend is trying to book a gallery and I need a portfolio. I don’t have one!!!

UGHHHH

So much artwork that needs to be done.
I guess I should be happy that I am opening up myself more and sharing my artwork and TRYING to get myself out there. I don’t want to do NOTHING anymore. I want to BE something

j